Ten Ways Mystery Kills Other Genres

See what I did there? ūüėČ Let’s be honest: some genres are simply better than others. And naturally, I think mystery is the best, hands-down. Why is it the best? I’m so glad you asked…

1. Death! Mystery writers get to kill people. With finesse and skill and subtlety. And it’s socially acceptable.

2. No genre is better with details. Why? Clues! We have to make you suspicious without even knowing you’re suspicious. We’ve gotta make you doubt and wonder. And then when you’re done, you’ll look back and realize we slipped in all kinds of clues that you were supposed to only half-notice.

3. Mystery can include¬†both romance AND death. We can make people fall in love AND we can kill them. (Although it’s limited to that order, since it’s not SciFi.)

4. No one is safe. Wanna feel like you’re living on the edge? Read mystery. We reserve the right to kill anyone at any time. Even your favorite. And you’ll never see it coming.

5. Cardio, anyone? Mystery can give your heart a fabulous workout when the villain is creeping up, knife in hand, behind the heroine, who is blissfully sniffing flowers. She leans toward that lovely red one, her hair falling toward her face, as he stretches out the knife toward the back of her neck… And you know by this point that we have no problem letting him injure her. We’re ruthless like that.

6.¬†It pulls you in like no other genre can. Why? Because you, like the protagonist, are trying to figure out who the killer is. You’re in the story, analyzing the clues. In other genres, you’re simply a spectator.

7. Who can tell you about the most popular methods of murder? Anyone who loves this genre, that’s for sure. And mystery writers get to learn all kinds of dark things in the name of research. (Did you know there’s a murderpedia? Oh yeah. It’s good.)

8. It’ll keep you guessing. Constantly. Other genres may make you wonder a little but nothing can tie you up in a quandary like trying to guess the murderer. Once you’re sure you’ve figured it out, hello plot twist! And then you’ll feel guilty that the person you suspected is actually an incredible, selfless person. Or dead. Or both. (I refer you back to number 4)

9. We make you cautious. You know it’s true: after you read a book where the murderer turns out to be the sweet old lady who worked in the coffee shop, you start looking at coffee shop old ladies differently. We show you that¬†even the nicest of people are capable of murder. Therefore, mysteries help you make smart, safe choices.

10.¬†There’s no better catharsis. We’ll drag our main character (and you) through the ringer. We’ll make her stumble upon a bloody corpse, fall into the trap of a sadistic murderer, lose someone she loves, get shot/stabbed/etc… but we’ll still make sure evil loses in the end. It’ll be the best feeling in the world.

Okay, what did I miss, mystery-lovers? And those of you who disagree (*cough* romance writers *cough*), feel free to share the reasons you think your genre is better. Let’s start a genre war! Said the mystery writer.

the stalker

I have a stalker.

It was cute at first. Everyone else assured me it was innocent fun. They all loved him.

“He’s so great!” they all said. “What kind of person wouldn’t love him?”

But the whole situation spiraled downward quickly. It went from casual acquaintanceship to serious stalking in under a month.

Now, I wake up and find him sitting outside my house. He follows me to work and won’t leave me alone no matter how many times I tell him to get lost. He’s always there, waiting right outside.

But I’m gonna try again, because I’m not the kind of girl who just takes this stuff. Here it goes:

Dear Snow,

Go away. I don’t like you. To be honest, I’ve always found you to be a nuisance. We’ve never been friends. Sure, you’re less annoying than Summer Heat. But my car looks like a dirty icicle. And I’m tired of being pelted with your shrapnel on the highway. And the way you try to trip me up when I’m trying to get into the office is so immature.

You were fun at first, Snow. But your time is over. It’s important to recognize when you’ve become an unwanted guest. That time is now. (Actually, it was about a month ago if I’m being completely honest.)

It’s time, Snow. It’s time to make way for your sister, Spring Rain. She awakens the life you put to sleep. And we really need that.

So goodbye. There’s the door. Go haunt the southern hemisphere for a while. I’m sure you’ll be back this way in a year. Maybe by then we’ll have forgotten what a nuisance you were. Maybe when we’re dealing with your youngest, and most obnoxious sibling, Summer Heat, we’ll be ready to forgive you.

But until then, you’re better off elsewhere. For your own safety.

Your Number One Non-Fan,

Halee

Your turn. You got some words for Mr. Snow?